 |
Jacket: my dad's / Dress and glasses: vintage
|
Yay, weekend now. What are
you up to? Cuz I have a preeetty tight program mainly consisting of sitting in
my bed, drinking mango lassi, petting my megu, and crying over my grades from
this semester which I just got today.
Ok the last thing was one
motherfreaking big lie. Don't let there be ANY uncertainty about that.
I always write about how I
hate school, how I don't give a fuck about homework, how I hate my teachers
etc., but the truth is that I wasn't always like this. From when I began school
until about a year ago I was that kid who ALWAYS sat front row in class. And
god protect the people who dared to come between me and my favorite spot -
which of course was the seat from which the teacher could see me the best.
From when school began at
8.15 and ended at 14.30 I did everything in my power to make sure that the teacher
liked the way I wrote my essays, liked the way I formulated my opinions,
even liked my opinions. To make sure
that the teacher liked me.
Time flew (though it didn't
exactly feel like it) and suddenly I had to pick a gymnasium, assumingly equivalent
to high school, and I picked the one I believed was more "ambitious"
and "serious". Man, did I cry when I got a letter saying that I
hadn't been accepted. As privileged as it sounds, this might have been the
biggest eye-opener in my life so far. Like, what? My perfect plan didn't go the
way I wanted? Does this mean that I have to think about what I want instead of sticking to the plan
in which I had believed my entire life?
And that was just what it
meant. I had never really questioned my goals and beliefs before, so this was a
big challenge for me. It took some time for me to get back on my feet again; I
even attended three different schools over a extremely short period of time. But
it was at this point that I made the best decision I could ever make: to not
give one single fuck what my
surroundings think of me.
From here everything was
pretty much a matter of course: I started dressing the way I wanted, speaking
the way I wanted, acting the way I wanted and so on. And after some time, the
opinion of other people had so little influence on me that I just didn't feel
the need to prove anything. And isn't 'proving' what school is about when it all comes
down to it? Unfortunately, school as we know it has nothing to do with what you
actually learn, and what you actually understand. It has, however,
everything to do with proving that
you're smart, proving that you
understand. And that is simply what I got sick of.
What's ironic in this,
amongst other things, is that the better I've been feeling about myself and the
more I've become in contact with my inner values and ethics - the more have my
grades dropped. And would I be willing to sacrifice myself for better grades?
Fucking no.
YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS! omg this is all really good. I had an experience lke that too in school. :) I LOVE YOU! YOU GET ME.
ReplyDelete<3333 !!!
DeleteOmg "to not give one single fuck what my surroundings think of me." - ugh too true. It's been something I've been trying to remind myself this year because I always get affected easily by what people say about me. And I totally know how you feel about school. It was quite the same for me too!
ReplyDeleteYeah!! And even though you decide that to not give a shit, you still need to remind yourself once in a while. It's difficult, but it's so worth it!
DeleteSo true...i hated being in school and was tired of everyone saying "You could do so much better if you tried harder" tried harder to what end? Most people I went to school with were repressed idiots...Okay rant over, but I soo get what you mean...Good on you for not giving a fuckity!
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for all the lookbook love, I really appreciate it from you, because you know, i think you're awesome and all...Have a happy weekend x
Yeah, exactly! And you're so very welcome, you deserve it!!
DeleteYES. Do YOU lil mama. THis is fab. Not giving a single fuck is just absolute bliss...isn't it? Also as someone older and much much wiser grades don't matter. Neither does college. Just acquire life experiences...whatever they may be!
ReplyDeletexoxo
www.PardonMyFashion.com
Thanks!
DeletePerfect. That was me/is me exactly. I'm learning to accept my flaws and embrace and learn other things, meaningful cultural things. Or at least meaningful to me, like learning who Jimi Hendrix dated and why all his relationships ended, or why the government is so against psychedelics but pro-alcohol. Lots of things that seem to not just be more interesting, but will actually be useful in life, are why I've ditched "school" and completely stopped trying. Miracle Eye and completing my orders in a timely manner, while not falling into a manic depression, and eating what I want and relaxing when I want is more important to me than proving to my teachers, my school, my school district, and my school peers that I have the BEST work habits of all.
ReplyDeleteAfter all, school and the grades we're assigned are not a measure of intelligence, they're a measure of work habits and how easy you are to convince to do something. Hahahha
Yeahh, exactly! When you go to an exam, for instance, the grade you get shows how good you were at completing THAT exact assignment, and also how good you are at selling yourself really. Like, my French teacher told us some days ago that we shouldn't tell the examiner that we don't like school or something, because that will lower our grades. Like, what?! So the examiner judges us on our personal interests and preferences? What if I said "I don't like school because it maintains an ideology that everyone is competing with everyone, and that you're only a successful person if you can achieve some high grade which by no means indicates our intelligence" in PERFECT french? It sucks balls so bad.
DeleteIt makes me happy that ppl like u exist and someday we will meet and we will laugh at stupid ppl, no we won't even notice them, and we will eat good food and wear cool clothes and do what we LIKE. not what we're told to like.
Coming out of lurkdom to say I love this post. Although I feel it's actually 'easy' in a sense - all it takes is a decision - to start being true to myself and not let others influence me, it has been a slow transition. The most annoying part is somehow I strive to make others happy with me, and more often than not it veers into the compromising-values territory.
ReplyDeleteI have a very strong moral code (my mother even calls it extremist, but I don't see how wanting peace, love and kindness as an utmost quality in our society is at all negative), which all the more makes me uneasy when I hear my close friend make really terrible statements about certain topics and I feel my tongue getting paralysed for fear of upsetting her. Sometimes I wonder if I should still stay friends, but if I don't I'll literally have no friends.
Please teach me to be badazz. Sorry this somehow become like a whiny comment/advice/Aunt Agony thing.
I know exactly how you feel. The decision is easy - the execution isn't always.
DeleteI have an extremely strong moral code as well, and I'm VERY often met with an arrogant attitude and people telling me that I'll probably 'get smarter' when I get older and more 'experienced'. It pisses me of. But I always tell myself it's because my opinion scares them 'cause deep down, or maybe not so deep, they kind of agree with me. I mean, haven't everybody been young and idealistic? I plan to stay idealistic, and I'll refuse to compromise my moral just because my surroundings tell me so.
Seems to me that you already are one badazz person, so you definitely don't need my help! :-))
cool outfit! love the coat! xx
ReplyDeleteThe Provocative Couture
thanks!!
Deleteyou're the best!!
ReplyDeleterad outfit
hey thanks!!
DeleteSO GLAD that you wrote about your life and experiences!!! My attitude toward school has undergone so many shifts and changes, and it's really refreshing to see someone who has taken charge of their education for education's sake rather than for school's sake. I think a parallel can be drawn between referring to school as the "*educational* system" and referring to the courts and collective law enforcement as the "*justice* system."
ReplyDeleteReally happy too to see that how you view school now is healthier for YOU — can't say how many times I've been upset at how my classmates' lives revolve around school so much that they don't even understand what it's like to actually fucking live... And how much MY LIFE used to revolve around school to the point where it contributed a hell of a lot to the existential crises came with my daily midday snacks and shit...
I constantly hear about quizzes and tests and grades and blah to the blah-th power. Education in school is a second priority, or third, or fourth, or maybe the bottom of the fucking list. Makes me really happy when people realize this. It feels totally empowering and liberating to realize that what's caused you so much stress and pain is not conducive to your growth despite everyone stressing that it is, and I'm fucking ecstatic to see that others and You know this!
And I cannot fucking agree more about how you *prove* yourself to school and teachers and your peers. So much self-suppression happens in school just inherently because of the way it's set up, and it reinforces the idea that you are *not whole* until you prove yourself to others regardless of whether or not you've actually prioritized or pleased yourself. These days nothing makes me sadder than how much I see people suppressing themselves and submitting — usually unknowingly which is even fucking SADDER but to submit knowingly is Sad too... everything is SAD — to a constructed, arbitrary institution. But nothing makes me happier than seeing people overcome this and find empowerment in themselves, so thank you so much for this. You keep fuckin' GOIN' I ROOT FOR YOU EVERYDAY *sobs while throwing Cheetos® Puffs at screen and sipping extra large soda loudly*
NOT THAT YOU FUCKIN' NEED MY APPROVAL... SUPPORTING YOU AS AN EQUAL HUMAN BEING
So glad you shared this!!
DeleteSadly, I see the same; young people who pressure themselves to the limit (sometimes even over) in order to get that freaking A+ that somehow got misunderstood for being the key to a "successful" life. A lot of people in my class sounds downright BRAINWASHED when someone question their motives for taking school so deadly serious: "I just care about my future", "I want a job that pays well", "My parents makes me take school seriously, because they want whats best for me". WHAT, WHAT AND FUCKING WHAT. 1. So, I'm just curious as to why you think you know how serious people are taking their respective futures? Because last time I checked, there isn't just ONE possibility of how a person's future can be. 2. Okay. Why is that? Because society taught you that money = power? 3. I feel sorry for you that you are 'forced' to listen to that, but I don't feel sorry for you that you don't question what people tell you. Stand up for your fucking self.
Yes. We can agree that everything is just sad. Everything except you - but you obvi know that already because you don't need my approval either and that's what so great and I'm totally supporting you as an equal human being too!!
YAY FOR LONG AND GOOD COMMENTS ON MY BLOG; IT MAKES ME WANNA WRITE ABOUT PERSONAL SCTUFF MORE OFTEN AND WHATNOT
I'm really happy you wrote about this. It's really honest and it's something alot of people have experienced. It's a horrible feeling to end up some place that you didn't think you would be and find yourself unhappy. I've definitely experienced that and it's nice to hear that someone else feels the same way!!
ReplyDelete-Laura
foxtrailz.blogspot.com