Jacket: my dad's / Dress and glasses: vintage
Yay, weekend now. What are you up to? Cuz I have a preeetty tight program mainly consisting of sitting in my bed, drinking mango lassi, petting my megu, and crying over my grades from this semester which I just got today.
Ok the last thing was one motherfreaking big lie. Don't let there be ANY uncertainty about that.
I always write about how I hate school, how I don't give a fuck about homework, how I hate my teachers etc., but the truth is that I wasn't always like this. From when I began school until about a year ago I was that kid who ALWAYS sat front row in class. And god protect the people who dared to come between me and my favorite spot - which of course was the seat from which the teacher could see me the best.
From when school began at 8.15 and ended at 14.30 I did everything in my power to make sure that the teacher liked the way I wrote my essays, liked the way I formulated my opinions, even liked my opinions. To make sure that the teacher liked me.
Time flew (though it didn't exactly feel like it) and suddenly I had to pick a gymnasium, assumingly equivalent to high school, and I picked the one I believed was more "ambitious" and "serious". Man, did I cry when I got a letter saying that I hadn't been accepted. As privileged as it sounds, this might have been the biggest eye-opener in my life so far. Like, what? My perfect plan didn't go the way I wanted? Does this mean that I have to think about what I want instead of sticking to the plan in which I had believed my entire life?
And that was just what it meant. I had never really questioned my goals and beliefs before, so this was a big challenge for me. It took some time for me to get back on my feet again; I even attended three different schools over a extremely short period of time. But it was at this point that I made the best decision I could ever make: to not give one single fuck what my surroundings think of me.
From here everything was pretty much a matter of course: I started dressing the way I wanted, speaking the way I wanted, acting the way I wanted and so on. And after some time, the opinion of other people had so little influence on me that I just didn't feel the need to prove anything. And isn't 'proving' what school is about when it all comes down to it? Unfortunately, school as we know it has nothing to do with what you actually learn, and what you actually understand. It has, however, everything to do with proving that you're smart, proving that you understand. And that is simply what I got sick of.
What's ironic in this, amongst other things, is that the better I've been feeling about myself and the more I've become in contact with my inner values and ethics - the more have my grades dropped. And would I be willing to sacrifice myself for better grades? Fucking no.